advertorial spot from an unidentified coalition of
Rise and shine, Canada. It’s a new day. The loony is on the
rise, and all your ducks are in a row. Monetarily speaking,
you’re no longer eating crow. You’re going for it as a
What’s that? You say you’re worried about the environment?
Global warming, environmental toxins and species decline?
Relax, everything is under control. We’re ahead of the
curve and thinking outside the box. We’re hands-on and
hands-free, with an unlimited broadband capacity to provide
you with the information you need about the things that
matter most. We know you better than you know yourselves.
We feel your pain.
Who are we? Part of your community. And how do we know?
Because we’re in the business of knowing. We’re in your
living room, medicine cabinet, kitchen cupboard, cell
phone, car radio, and email account. We’re under the radar
and over the top. We have it all mapped out, right down to
a fraction of a meter - including your house. (That roof
needs work, seriously.) Don’t shoot the messenger - we know
where you live.
We’re all about getting to know you better, through
surveys, polls, focus groups, psychographics, data-mining,
RFID chips, and your Google search topics. We’re good
listeners. And you’re telling us you’re afraid to learn the
awful truth. So we’re not going to tell you. But don’t ask
us to lie, Canada. It’s not going to be that kind of
relationship. Were still going to giving it to you
straight, just like your fair trade coffee. Drip by drip.
We’re listening about the environment, Canada. You say you
want to be greener than Bruce Banner after a dose of gamma
rays. We hear you. We’re taking notes, writing down names,
and seeing who’s been naughty or nice with their emissions.
We’ve crunched the numbers, and if we push the envelope
we’re looking at a quantum leap in sustainability: a
totally proactive, win-win situation for all market
segments. We’re entering into a mission-critical, strategic
alliance with you, Canada. For the planet.
Right at this moment, mutual friends are taking your public
hydroelectric facilities out of the black and into the
green. Others are bringing hybrid vehicles and ethanol onto
the market. It’s what you asked for after we gave you the
options. (Who killed the electric car, you ask? We don’t
know, but we’ve been assured it was a quick and painless
You can all still party like its 1999, as long as you agree
to voluntary emission limits. Gather all your friends into
amphibious Stretch Hummers and head to Hawaii, for all we
care. All we ask is that you spring for a few seedlings in
a tree farm somewhere in the Third World. Leave the cash in
a plain brown envelope for our associate Vito and there
will be no trouble, Canada.
We’re thinking, 24/7. We’re thinking about supersized
hybrid SUVs with all-hemp interiors. We’re thinking about
fusion-powered mopeds and genetically-modified temp
workers. We’re thinking about nano-fiber, bioluminescent
track shoes that leave no ecological footprints. But you’re
thinking that’s nuts. You’re stamping your feet, demanding
real change rather than consumer frills. Chill, Canada. We
have eco-ideas that are so crazy we think they just might
work! And that’s not counting the off-the-shelf
teleportation bling from Roswell, which we hope to have on
the market by 2050. (Jetpacks are slated for 2075.)
You’re going through a “paradigm shift,” Canada. Know what
that is? It’s when you put 10 cents in change on your car’s
dash, and take a corner fast. Relax, it’s a joke. We’re
laughing with you, not at you - but we’re also serious as a
heart attack. After all, it’s hard work protecting an
entire nation from the papillomavirus and al Qaeda. Of
course, we can’t guarantee total success after we outsource
the protection work to Vito and other subcontractors.
You say you’re worried about the future. Actually, we
figure you should be paralyzed with fear by now. Luckily,
pharmaceutical relief is readily available (Ask your doctor
for details). But we’re not just about mood-altering drugs.
We’re also about you serving you better through more
quality time. That includes booze cruises through the
Northwest Passage, complete with Styrofoam “ice floes” for
any remaining polar bears. Cheers, Canada.
We’re real-time, in-touch, on-target and on-side. Because
we care. Because we’re watching you from the moment you
wake up to the moment we tuck you into bed, and lull you to
sleep with a satellite radio lullaby. Sweet dreams, Canada.
Tomorrow’s a brand new green day.